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Because crack never dies...
[Open to people in Hueco Mundo, and people on Rukia and Renji's speed-dial list] 
1st-Jul-2007 11:06 am
grumpy diagram
Time - hard to tell, but after meeting with Aizen-sama
Location - Las Noches kitchen

*Has sleeves tied back and is wearing a ridiculous apron and chef's hat.*

*Stares at counter-ful of ingredients and appliances, then glances dubiously up at Renji, who looks equally confused.*

Ulquiorra looks distracted right now - maybe he won't notice...

*turns her back to him as she pulls out her cel phone and presses "13", which should transfer her directly to Ukitake-taichou.*

Oh please, please, please don't be mad at me for this, taichou - but I've got no one else to call and if there's anyone in the world who knows desserts, you're my only hope....
1st-Jul-2007 07:49 pm (UTC)
*On the way to the 13th Division. Finally answers the call after having stared at the Chappy picture since he left the Captains' Meeting Hall. The last thing he wants is to miss it because he's worried about people hearing*

Oh please please please let it be her and not an opponent who got hold of her phone...

Kuchiki? Is that you??
1st-Jul-2007 11:20 pm (UTC)

*whispering into the receiver*

Yes, it's me - Ukitake taichou, please forgive me for what I've done! - I've been captured along with Abarai fukutaichou, and now must beg your help... with pie recipes.

Does that sound as ridiculous to him as it does to me?

*glances behind to see if Ulquiorra is paying any attention.*
2nd-Jul-2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
*Breathes a huge sigh of relief when he hears Rukia's voice but starts speaking at the same time as she does*

Oh thank God you're all right, Kuchiki, but do you know how---

*Hears what she's saying about Aizen and suddenly freezes*

You WHAT??
2nd-Jul-2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
*cradles the phone closer and edges closer to Renji, so he might overhear their conversation.*

Captured. It - we thought this would save us from certain death, but... now I can't really explain why this happened, it's so embarrassing to have to tell you we have to bake pies for Aizen, and we, er, don't really know how.

2nd-Jul-2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
*Listens intently*

She's whispering, meaning she's obviously not alone. But Abarai-kun is with her, so that's a relief. Well...sort of.

*Resumes his shunpo towards his office*

I know right now isn't the time to lecture you, but what were you thinking, Kuchiki??

And...pies? I'm not a pie expert! The only person I knew who was one is precisely the person who have to bake them for!

*Thinks hard*

All right, listen to me. I'm nearly at my office and I'm sure I can find some recipes or send Sentarou and Kiyone to raid the library. Ask Abarai-kun if he has the small transmitter-type thing that Captains and Vice-captains carry with their phones. If so, and if you manage to conceal it with your hair, I might be able to read you some instructions.

Do you think that might work?
2nd-Jul-2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
*shoves her hand into Renji's sleeves, and then into the front of his gi with a "shutup!" look and snatches up the transmitter. Tucks it in place and arranges her hair to cover it.*

I've got it now.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, taichou....

2nd-Jul-2007 05:43 pm (UTC)
*in other circumstances he would love to laugh at how silly Rukia looks in the chef's hat and apron, but unfortunately he's also dressed in the same outfit and probably looks even sillier; also, looking at all of the ingredients on the counter is rather daunting*

Damn, all of this stuff is used to make a pie? I didn't think it would be this hard.

*is a little surprised that Rukia is making a call but is glad that she was able to reach Ukitake-taichou, and when she stands closer he's able to hear a little of their conversation*

Good, at least we'll have some help with these pies. We definitely wouldn't get very far on our own.

*jumps a little when Rukia reaches into his gi, but sees her look and doesn't say anything because he knows they need the help and this is the best way to get it*

OK, so where should we start?
2nd-Jul-2007 10:06 pm (UTC)
*Has arrived back at the 13th Division and mouths a very clear "NOT NOW" to Sentarou and Kiyone who were about to leap to their feet to greet him, and locks himself in his office, going straight for the stash of books he has about human food"

Good, now let's hope whoever is looking after you doesn't notice. Try to say as little as possible, or in a way that makes it look like you are talking to Abarai-kun.

I know. But now is not the time. I'll have you apologize properly when you return, Rukia...

*Flips book open at the dessert chapter and winces when he sees there aren't that many types of pie listed*

Right! So, what type of ingredients do you have? Did he request something in particular?
3rd-Jul-2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
*Looks around the counters and through the cabinets*

He said... what was it... cherry with a graham cracker crust, key lime with splenda instead of sugar, banana cream with real meringue...

*looks at Renji uncertainly* Was there more? Oh damn - sorry taichou!

This is really hopeless, isn't it?

We've got flour, sugar, eggs, vanilla.......

15th-Jul-2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
*Listens intently and grabs his brush to write down what Rukia says*

Graham cracker what?

*Lets out a long sigh*

All right, Kuchiki, I think I've got it. But...I should warn you, I have never baked a pie myself so I'll need to look it all up first. And I know nothing about human appliances, so this is going to be a nightmare fun.

I wonder if the Library has anything about baking pies...

*Flips through the pages frantically*

Which one do you want to start with? I would have said the banana one, but that one needs real meringue... Shunsui's brought me some from the living world and it's delicious, but I have no idea how to make it.

Oh, do they happen to have ready-made crust, base or whatever you call it...?

This is a nightmare. Help.
15th-Jul-2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
*Sits in the corner still sulking at Aizen sama’s harsh words*

Why do I have to do this job...its not even worthy of Yammi. What am I...the Hueco Mundo babysitter?! At least the fairy girl prisoner is interesting and fun to look at...unlike pie making people.

*Notices Rukia is talking to herself*

No talking...not even to your imaginary friend!!!

*Slumps back into the wall*

I bet Grimmjow went to find that boy. Why didn’t he get stuck here...it’s not fair. I wonder when I will get to see the fairy girl again.

16th-Jul-2007 04:22 pm (UTC)
*shakes his head at Rukia and his eyes glaze over when she repeats the pie list* I don't remember anything else; I don't even know how you remembered all of that.

*hears Ukitake say something about "banana" and isn't really sure what that is, but he knows most of the other fruit, so he concludes that the long brownish-yellow fruit must be a banana*

*When Ulquiorra snaps at Rukia, Renji looks up and points at him--still holding the banana--and says with authority*

YOU shut up and watch! Don't interrupt our creative processes!

Hmm, I wonder how he'll take that. I have to watch what I say so I don't get us into even more trouble. Although, we're pretty well screwed right now anyway.

*looks at the banana again and grabs a bowl, a masher and a few more bananas, puts the bananas into the bowl and begins to mash; he didn't know to peel them first and he ends up with chunks of peel and banana goo; keeps mashing until the peels turn into pulp, the result is a mass of brown, stringy mush*

This doesn't smell too bad, but it looks disgusting! Why would anyone want to eat this?

*holds the bowl up for Rukia's inspection* How's this?
16th-Jul-2007 05:26 pm (UTC)
*Is distracted by Ulquiorra and Renji*

... uhm - sorry taichou - y-yes, let's start with the bananas - ready-made crust?

*sees a poster on the wall of the kitchen with the picture of a skull and the words "NO READY-MADE CRUST" in red.*

Uh - no. No ready-made crust. *scans the pantry* But there's graham crackers - is that what you said?

*looks at the bowl of stringy brown mush and sticks her finger in it. Tastes and tries not to gag.*

What is this, Renji? And should we feed it to him like this anyway, and hope it kills him?


*throws up her hands dramatically*

Ulquiorra, this is how we bake pies - while talking to ourselves.

I wonder if he'll believe that. He looks awfully sad - even more so than usual.

*takes out a bottle of fish sauce and holds it out to him*

Here. I think your prisoner would like this.
3rd-Aug-2007 09:13 pm (UTC)
*Lets out a loud sigh*

No ready-made crust... But weren't those crackers supposed to be used for another one? *scans the notes he took* The cherry one. Do you think he would mind if we did the same for both?

What am I doing, wondering what sort of pie crust Aizen wants when he has them prisoner??

*Listens to Rukia and can't help smiling despite everything, impressed by how well she seems to be handling everything*

Oh wait, no, this is different. At least I think I understand.

We can do this. We have to...

All right, Kuchiki. It looks like you first need to combine sugar, flour and salt, and then gradually add some milk and heat it up until it bubbles. You only need to worry about slicing the bananas later.
7th-Aug-2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
*Watches curiously as Renji proceeds to point with a banana at him. Eyes widen*

How could he know?

*Shifts his focus to Rukia when she speaks*

Whatever...but it’s quite obvious you both have no idea what you’re doing.

*Glares at the fish sauce*

I think you are mistaken...I have no prisoner.

*Slaps the fish sauce away. Hears a confusing message come across the intercom*


*Looks at Rukia*

Girl!!! What is this PMS and what does it mean Aizen sama is doing to fairy chan?

*Thinks out loud*

Prisoner master sex? Personal masturbating schedule? Pulsing man sausage?

7th-Aug-2007 06:41 pm (UTC)

This is too much - too many questions and demands, and I don't know WHAT I'M DOING! STUPID RENJI!!

Renji! Those were supposed to be sliced, not - destroyed! *snaps fingers* Sugar, flour, and salt, combined gradually - now!

*whirls to Ulquiorra*


*takes a deep breath*

All I know about PMS is that it makes human girls cry, scream, run to the bathroom and eat ice cream. You should really ask a human girl about PMS, AND STOP DISTRACTING ME!! WE KNOW ORIHIME'S HERE, OK? EVERYONE KNOWS!

oh dear. I hope I didn't scream in taichou's ear


Sorry taichou. What next?
7th-Aug-2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
*Tries to listen to the various voices -- he recognised Abarai-kun's but not the third one -- and cringes when Rukia starts shouting, making his ears ring*

What man sausage??


It's...OK, Kuchiki... I'm all right...

*Returns his attention to the recipe*

All right, when it's bubbling, keep stirring for about two minutes and then remove it from the heat.

And then it says, "Stir a small quantity of the hot mixture into the beaten egg yolks, and immediately add egg yolk mixture to the rest of the hot mixture. Cook for 2 more minutes; remember to keep stirring."

Did you get all of that?

[OOC: Whenever the fandom "interruption" happens, I'll post to indicate that Ukitake has suddenly disappeared.]
12th-Aug-2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
*Suddenly, there's the sound of lightning in the distance and Ukitake can only hold on to his phone as he feels himself getting sucked out of his office and out of Soul Society into who knows where*


[OOC: Ukitake has now disappeared. Hope this way works for everyone.]
16th-Aug-2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
*pouts slightly when Rukia tells him he prepared the bananas wrong, but then snaps to attention when she starts issuing orders and combines the ingredients as directed*

Rukia can be very commanding when she wants to be. Plus, with her getting instructions from Ukitake-taichou, maybe we won't mess these pies up too badly.

*has no idea what Ulquiorra is talking about with the PMS, but is quite sure that he doesn't want to know any more about it when he hears 'pulsing man sausage'*

*looks up at Ulquiorra after Rukia yells at him* Why don't you just go and find Orihime-chan to ask her about the PMS thing if you're so curious about it?

*was leaning close enough to Rukia to hear Ukitake's voice and follows his directions, but then he hears Ukitake cry out and gets worried*

*whispers to Rukia* What happened to Ukitake-taichou?
20th-Aug-2007 10:47 am (UTC)
*Listens to Rukia*

Ooooooookay don’t have a tanty and just make your disgusting looking failure pie. I should of known you would know nothing.

This girl is so annoying and unlike fairy chan...fairy chan is such a lady.

*Dreamy eyes. Hears Renji’s annoying voice.*

I have orders to guard you two idiots...I am very obedient and trust worthy*Looks proud* where as I imagine you are not. So go on and make your pie so we can leave here and Aizen sama can have you killed already.

*Sits back down next to wall and glares at Renji. Thinks of Rukia’s words on PMS.*

Maybe Aizen sama offered fairy chan some Ice cream and she wasn’t hungry. I would like to eat Ice cream with fairy chan.
30th-Aug-2007 04:29 pm (UTC)
Failure pie! FAILURE PIE!!

shitshitshit what happened to Ukitake taichou? Without his help we're sunk. We can - either bake these pies as well as we can and hope it kills Aizen or gives him diarrhea, or we can fight Ulquiorra and get out of this ridiculous situation. Hm. Two of us, I wonder...

*waves spatula at Ulquiorra threateningly*

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE PIE! Now go take THIS *shoves a carton of ice cream at Ulquiorra* and go, before she cries and runs to the bathroom!

if I can yell at him enough, will he cry? I can't believe this is my strategy. Stupid Renji!
1st-Sep-2007 11:42 am (UTC)
Failure pie?

*glares at Ulquiorra*

It's not like we...what, disobey direct orders on a regular basis? I even tried to kill my captain...Sometimes there are more important things than just obeying orders.

*glances at Rukia sideways while she's yelling and shoving ice cream at Ulquiorra*

What is she doing? Is she trying to make him even madder? Hm, I guess he has been responding to her better than me, so maybe it will work.

*whispers to Rukia* If this doesn't work, I say we just kick his ass.
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